Oh Lilian-

ambivalence

2009-08-15T11:01:00.000+08:00

yesterday was one hell of a roller coaster ride; i was oscillating between the extremes the entire day and it almost felt like i couldn't breathe... @.@

so more people found out yesterday. couldn't say i wanted them to, but i guess when you're a wreck you don't really have much control over such stuff. and it was really quite embarrassing :X but still, thanks for everything (:

moving on to the happier things, niang pointed out that there has been progress by leaps and bounds over the past 3 weeks! :D which made me very happy hahaha. we walked to coro to get dinner after csc test and along the way we were indulging in our fantasies and totally going crazy over her prospective target xD omg i think only niang and i will get the full hilarity of the situation haha ok then it'll be our little secret ((:

after that hanjing, zong, ci and i made our way down to the mini-TCN gathering organized by Tang at Janice's bar (: it was all good until we took the 67 drove by the crazy impatient bus driver who drove like some jia* and we were all flung all over the place .__. anyway, quite a lot of TCN alumni members turned up ytd! but i think the younger generation (me and the AHbatch) were quite intimidated by the conversation because they were either talking about their endeavours in university or about events and people that were wayyy before our generation. my high-flying seniors are going to/are studying at places like LSE, IN, UCL, other renowned schools in London/America/Australia... omg! O.o can't imagine our lives will be like that in a few years' time. it's so scaryy, thinking about the fact that we'll be uprooted from our familiar environment and thrown to the deep side of the waters once we graduate from hci. but i guess i've been too protected, where's my sense of adventure?! in any case, meeting up with all these people who made my NY life worthwhile was really precious (: i think when Tang speaks he completely enthralls his audience and it's quite overwhelming to experience that again. and sam came! haha ok must do some publicity for her. she made it into the top 24 for Singapore Idol so she'll be appearing on TV next wed if i'm not wrong PLEASE VOTE FOR HER :D haha go support by watching the show if you can too (:

naive

2009-08-14T00:10:00.001+08:00

but of course.

you're too naive for your own good van.

life is strange

2009-08-14T00:00:00.000+08:00

sometimes life... really is stranger than fiction. it likes to tease you in the most ironic, most cruel ways ever.

meeting Tang and some of the TCN girls later today... excited ((: it's been almost three years since i've last met him?! gosh. though i really hope i can enjoy myself and not let past shadows bother me too much...

-

happy birthday sidd... (:

yuquan singing wonderwall

2009-08-11T21:08:00.004+08:00

i'm crediting this very talented young singer here, who also sang live high by jason mraz which kaze posted on his blog ((: i'm posting this because it's oasis's wonderwall! :D excellent song choice haha. and plus the quality of his voice here is a little reminiscent of liam's, which makes it x100 sexier hahaha.

fight or flight?

2009-08-11T20:17:00.000+08:00

1st reaction: fight or flight?

birthday

2009-08-11T20:05:00.000+08:00

haha hope this isn't too late but,

happy birthday rach! (:

i just finished writing her birthday letter... haha i think there's something thereupetic about writing letters to people (: i like it that writing helps me remember and flesh out those precious memories i've had with that person. mm maybe i'll sit down one day and read through all the letters my friends wrote me just before prelims/A levels to reminisce and get the strength i need to tide through everything...

-

freddi: can you just blog under freddi for once. haha so weird! i noticed the old man's ears coz of the hearing aid O.O HAHA. and yeaaaa i like big hands (: (: to hold, not to look at though.

UP

2009-08-08T13:06:00.003+08:00

went to watch UP ytd with niang, qi and some a11 friends ytd it was really really goood! :D haha UP > GI JOE anytimee (puu to lc/sh/rz who claimed otherwise)

& this has got to be the most touching part out of the whole movie. i cried like shit at this part :X haha i love the song it's stuck in my headd!

-

niang: LOL niang who notices the old man's nose?!! haha i wanna pinch the little boy's cheeks laa. uh it's still quite pain :X but getting better!

new perspective

2009-08-08T11:34:00.000+08:00

new perspective.

wound

2009-08-06T20:39:00.000+08:00

... i spent a full ten minutes trying to remove the gauze from my wound because it was stuck to it and i was trying to get it off without ripping most of my epidermis along with it D: owww. haha that was one of those times when you really hope there was somebody beside you who would pat your head and blow your wound and tell you that everything was going to be okay. x(( i'm such an infantile person.

hahaha anw i realized my wound is in the shape of Singapore! HOW'S THAT FOR NATIONAL DAY HAHA.

-

ytd freddi and i were reminiscing about our childhood (crushes) and other random stuff related to it... was quite a breather from all the paper chasing and stupid emotions. haha we sat at the playground in j8 (how apposite!) after playing with the slides, the periscope thingy, and the tic-tac-toe board xDD and i was just thinking how fast time has passed; you know it's one of those times when you look back on your life and wonder where the hell did the past years go. though i realize some things you'll always remember by heart, like the puerile anecdotes with my crush in primary school... which is quite scaryyy don't you think haha.

sometimes you really need to get away from all the hassle of school life and just, be grateful for all the little things you have in life (: aiyaa everyone's damn stressed from work (& other random stuff) now, but hopefully we can see that life is bigger than all this (: jiayouu everyone.

-

why does blogger still look so screwed on my laptop?! i want to post pictures from BOTY!

-

想念只让自己苦了自己。

-

niang: :D thaaanks niang haha

injuries

2009-08-05T21:50:00.001+08:00

ABARASIONS + BRUISED FINGER = VERY. PAIN. x(((

on another note, i don't think i'll be going for prom!

on yet another note, i really hope you're doing okay and not like, doing anything stupid. ok this is retarded because i'm saying this here and not to you but i just hope you see this -.- and i don't know why i worry so much??? ok that's all i have to say.

estrangement

2009-07-31T20:29:00.003+08:00

modern period- estrangement; loss; anxiety; breakdown in communication.
haha sounds familiar, anyone?

... i'm really quite jaded already la.

disappointing

2009-07-30T21:59:00.001+08:00

today is a very disappointing day!! x(((

because i wanted to donate blood in the afternoon but eventually i got rejected because my veins apparently 'too small to be seen' .__. i really wanted to do it you know! even though my threshold for pain is like, crazily low, but i told myself i needed to conquer my fear... in the end still such a big fall in expectations. sigh lol and jx just had to remind me again.

-

rach: NI HAO! :D haha haven't heard you so energetic for sooo long le (:

random

2009-07-28T17:43:00.000+08:00

jx thought 过渡期 was menopause -.- like hello?? chinese fail pls. haha but it's cool right! :D i was thinking about this on the bus journey home...

frenchcoursework/csclunwen/litgpessays/readings/maths/studies x((

2009-07-27T21:03:00.000+08:00

today's weather is faaabulous :D

(i should be official pq writer for my friends haha -.-)

-

wilfred: haha hello! xD funny ah hahaha it wasn't funny when it was really happening to me.
yujie: =\ really ahhh. ya maybe.
freddi: .__. haha wtf. the vanessa button was a nice touch :D
jia hong: YA WTF RIGHTT. omg scarred for life... AND I JUST REALIZED I'VE SEEN LIKE. PARTS OF HIM THAT I DON'T WANT TO SEE. RMB THAT TIME AT PE STUDIO..?! OMGOMGOMGOMOMGOMG x((

shopping list

2009-07-26T20:38:00.001+08:00

WTF LA ONE HOUR PALPITATIONS WHERE GOT LIKE THAT ONE D:

anyway, i need to shop for a) a nice pencil case b) a new barang bag to put my phone and stuff c) nicer phone cases?

I FINALLY BOUGHT MY EARPHONES TODAY <3

break down

2009-07-26T19:04:00.004+08:00

MAD farewell (: it was a really nice and poignant event, me thinks! though truth or dare was rather disappointing save for siquan's/chong tee's/regina's awesome pole dancing hahaha. and juniors were really really sweettt with all their presents, notes, decorations etc. i got blue socks & laces from bboys! :D and this really cute person keychain thingy that is supposed to be me haha xD OH and this really cool fedora hat from the xchange gift from michelle!

montages were (Y)(Y)... but PAOPAO'S M18 SCENE WAS WTFF xDD omg so hilarious. it's really crazy to think how much they've all put in to make the farewell possible laa. aiya i think i can't thank mad exco (both batches!) enough for all that they've done >.<

-

[you might want to not read this.]

honestly, i don't even know what got to me last night. it felt like... i was drunk, or delirious. either way, the thread that was holding me together suddenly came apart, and i couldn't stop (couldn't stop) everything from collapsing. emotional breakdown right there outside the house full of people.

felt like... i completely lost it. i don't even remember why i said half the stuff i was blabbering to freddi. the funny thing was, i don't even know why i was crying so hard for.

... or perhaps it's the culmination of too many things i was trying to ignore. & the quarrel with mum just triggered it off. but anyhow, it really doesn't matter. just daoooo (:

disconcerting nap

2009-07-24T22:04:00.002+08:00

awake.

hmm what time is it? everything's all dark, and the sky is showing the first signs of dawn... wait. am i late for school?! no no, today must be saturday; friday's already over. so it must be saturday morning. ok then i can afford to sleep somemore.

... wait something doesn't feel right. i should just check the time on my phone...

OMFG 19:45?!!

zz that's what you get for napping 3 hrs into the evening. haha i really got a shock just now laa. & i don't even know why i'm so tired, i mean i've been sleeping at 10/11 the past few days that's not supposed to be very late right! -.-

FOOD :D

2009-07-23T17:46:00.018+08:00

am here to exalt the wonders of cake and pasteries! <3 haha today is a happy dayy went to bakerzin after school to buy one slice of new york cheesecake, one slice of chocolate amer and 2 macarons, thereby satisfying my craving for sweet, nice-smelling things ((: the cakes were going at 50% discounts!! and the macarons were sold at 90cents a piece instead of the usual $1.20? $1.50? COOLNESS :D

haha i shall spam colourful photos of macarons to make you all jealous.

... guess what i'm having KFC for dinner. (!!) omg fatfatfatfatfatfat x(

-

couldn't get michael jackson's smooth criminal out of my mind today... it kept ringing THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE OF XU'S CSC LESSON. can you imagine watching a video about the Urumqi riots, what with all the gore and images of Mao and the like, while all you're thinking about is if annie is okay?! D: so disconcerting.

bt2 results are horribly dispiriting.

ramble

2009-07-23T08:54:00.005+08:00

:O the blogger looks perfectly fine on the school comp! but it's screwed on my laptop -.- haha wanted to post comparison pictures between heroes characters and the classmates jolene and i assigned to yesterday but... nvm xD

anw i'm kinda addicted to Two Steps from Hell nowadays. haha instrumentals are good to hear when i'm doing work! speaking of which, i lost my phone earphones ._____. wth laaaaa school without music is just gg-ed. lol and i rmb i couldn't tell the difference between earphones and earplugs in the past HAHA.

ok ok pictures from tapestry ((:

yayee everyone looks so happy (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2009-07-22T20:58:00.004+08:00

haha so i didn't get my superpowers during the solar eclipse after all =\ which is sad, coz i was kinda hoping i could run at hyperspeed to Paris and back just in time for CSC or put thoughts into ang wee hiong's head and make him declare today a school holiday...

anw,
happy birthday gor (:

-

... & seriously, why doesn't anybody want to watch UP in 3D with me! D: nobody embraces their child-like qualities anymore...

-

it doesn't matter because it doesn't matter to you, okay.

smoked

2009-07-19T19:42:00.006+08:00

VAN: blind, after all this time. says:
haha yea
ok i going off le watching harry potter

` ΜΛD Ah Bao .[eternal]. I & I says:
cyaz

VAN: blind, after all this time. says:
HAHA OMG I JUST GOT PWNED

` ΜΛD Ah Bao .[eternal]. I & I says:
smoked
i would do the smoke sign if i were in front of you

LOLL.

-

Sworn: HAHAHAA. you got from sh one is it.
jonneo: yeaa right (:
jia hong: (: (: no problemm.

studies

2009-07-19T18:06:00.004+08:00

... my days are increasingly characterized by a feeling of

lost.
pressure from studies is finally getting to me. and uncertainties about scholarships/university options/career opportunities are making me quite ._. haha been having hthts with quite a few people recently: ck, LC, jiahong, sis, mum. it's interesting coz i get to know these people much better and i like connecting with close friends on such a comfortable level (: notwithstanding the fact that i hardly bare my soul out to my family but yea, sometimes their love for me makes me want to cry x(( idk la, the whole studies thing has never mattered that much to me, but somehow this time round... =\

-

tapetry was nice (: haha i still remember when WE were the ones performing last year xD getting old liao la wth. waiting for our group photos! (:

-

真的没时间再去理会这些琐碎的复杂的心情了。其实，真的不应该是这样的啊。

郭敬明：

以前上课的时候，生物老师讲过，任何的肌肉太过用力，都会因为在分解释放能量时缺氧而形成乳酸，于是，就会感觉到酸痛感来，
那么，内心的那些满满的酸楚，也是因为心太过用力吗？

加油，静。

（用华语来打字是因为知道你大概看不懂/不会去理会。哈哈，高明吧）

mad movie outing!

2009-07-16T21:32:00.007+08:00

hello hellooo mad people!

m.a.d movie outing on sat (come come :D)
[edited!]

what: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
where: filmgarde @ bugis iluma
when: watching the 2 show so meet at 130 at Topshop bugis junction!

will be having dinner after that then off to tapestryyy! pls inform me if you're coming via sms or msn or smth so i can book the tickets beforehand (: SPREAD THE WORD PLS THANKS.

-

niang: it sucks because it was always people telling me they don't know what they want to do and me telling them that 'don't worry things will work out somehow...' haha a happy marriage + family is like the ultimate dream for me la, but currently i'm not particularly planning for it...
regina: haha yea sure! just give one of us a call beforehand (:

career and future prospects

2009-07-15T15:50:00.003+08:00

omg SO MUCH THOUGHT about my future career prospects and the kind of life i want to lead after the scholarship talks/exhibition today x((( STB talk shook my convinction in the educational path i've paved for myself since sec 3 D: but perhaps it was blind faith anyway, and now on hindsight maybe not considering an overseas education for so long (sticking rigidly instead to a NTU route) has been ridiculously myopic.

... howwww, am confused! i hate the thought of living my entire life without purpose or not knowing/pursuing my passions and just, you know. living like the average singaporean. D:

ok whatever i sound like a chao mugger ._. and i feel like one too. these few days i have been devoting my afternoons to my lunwen, slaving in front of my stupid lagging pc and not coming up with anything concrete and inspirational. FREAKING NO LIFE PLS. and school without cca to look forward to after is hugely disconcerting rawr. i hate it when i have to go home alone.

hahahaha rant rant rant.

harry potter.. D:

2009-07-12T20:35:00.003+08:00

am i the only person who hasn't actually read ANY of the harry potter books among my entire social circle of friends?!! D:

keone madrid + mari martin

2009-07-12T17:17:00.004+08:00

SO SWEEEETT <3

Keone Madrid & Mariel Martin (currently my greatest dance inspiration!) (: he choreographed that dance for her birthday! :D look out for how he killed the beats at 1:42-1:44 haha.

omg he's only 19 O.o

somebody said

2009-07-12T14:58:00.002+08:00

someone said this to me: BE HAPPY :D

... (:

-

jiahong: haha yeaaa! i miss scotland too... the pace of life there was so much slower and more relaxing x((
Sworn: haha really! wow cool.

aftermath

2009-07-12T13:55:00.004+08:00

it's funny how the person who healed you and gave you strength can be the same person who knocks the wind off all your sails and kills the fire that you once had inside.

yesterday was nice; the type of days that, at the end of it all, leaves you glowing with a certain quiet joy. no hassling to get anywhere, no fixed schedule, no adrenaline... sure, it was governed by a sense of purposelessness but perhaps that was apposite given my current state of disconnection.

so. in the morning, niang and i met up to do char's present: crazy camwhoring ftw! (: hahaha it was sooo hilarious & omg our funny faces are really damn retarded xD thenn wanted to join the other j2s at paygp but they were still watching movie so i decided to drop by at alliance française and return my magazines first. haha ended up spending around two hours reading french in the kid's corner (tell me i'm a good student! :D) after a while two french kids came in and the little girl sat down right in front of me, looking through books while talking to herself... CUTENESS TTM! <3 haha then i went to look at the art exhibition outside the library after the librian chased us out but i didn't know it was closing as well and this cute guy came up to me and said bashfully with a smile: 'sorry but we're closing...'

:D :D :D fluffy moment...

after that i contemplated where to go to while time before the paygp people returned to jiahong's house coz i really didn't feel like going home. being alone without anything to do/look forward to goads the mind into going places i don't even want to think about. and recently the desire to surround myself with crazy, happy people stands more than ever; when i'm with them i don't speak a lot but listening to their laughter makes me feel better and less alone haha. decided to go to island creamery in the end and got myself a ReversO ice cream cone (: then went to jiahong's house and watched xmen origins hahaha. went crazy during the Gambit scenes omfg he's so cool! dancers are an awesome bunch of companyy (:

ok time to chiong lunwen.

numb

2009-07-08T23:04:00.003+08:00

you think you're stronger than this, but you're not.

just feels kinda-

numb.

and a little...

empty.

第一次

2009-07-06T19:46:00.007+08:00

噢第一次我
说爱你的时候
呼吸难过
心不停地颤抖

噢第一次我
牵起你的双手
失去方向
不知该往哪儿走

(: haha crazy hiding moments...

-

yujie: hahahaha vas te faire mettre! je pense qu tu es une pomme de terre avec le visage d'un cochon d'ind (:
jia hong: haha truee. but sembawang gets the wind more often (: (: haha sg not as windy la, compared to scotland!! i almost couldn't walk against the wind that time xD

(:

2009-07-05T19:39:00.004+08:00

(: hahaha you know it's been so long since i've taken joy in life's simplest pleasures, away from technology and books and restrictions. i rmb i used to love walking along beaches barefooted, feeling the soft sand on my soles and listening to the crashing of the waves... i still do, i think. that's why 17th birthday at ecp was soo amazing (: and there were other things like walking in rain puddles, lying down on soft, dry grass in 20 degrees celsius (shanghai!), or sprawling on our beds in the hostel watching clouds drift byy (scotland!).

omg memories :D

nowadays i just want to find some quiet open space where i can stargaze with people, spending silent moments musing/talking/whatever. or fly a kite and feel free & laugh & holler against the wind. have i mentioned how much i love windy days haha.

stop crying your heart out

2009-07-05T11:11:00.005+08:00

changed the song lyrics again. (see above) haha i keep playing that oasis song on loop... it makes me a tiny bit stronger, somehow.

my french coursework is so effing screwed.

-

sq: you're crazy laa! caffeine gives me palpitations .__. lol you shld try delifrance's iced coffee someday. confirm cannot sleep the entire night.

MEMENTO

2009-07-02T19:07:00.005+08:00

!!! (mind-fkkk)

... just finished watching Memento online (yea with maths paper tmr and all) and i'm completely blown away by the sheer ingenuity of the script and the seamless transitions between each scene..! do you have any idea how difficult it must be to film a movie with its entire plot played out backwards?!!

synopsis from wikipedia:

Memento is a 2000 psychological thriller film written and directed by Christopher Nolan, adapted from his brother Jonathan's short story "Momento Mori". It stars Guy Pearce as Leonard Shelby, a former insurance fraud investigator searching for the man he believes raped and killed his wife during a burglary. Leonard suffers from anterograde amnesia, which he contracted from severe head trauma during the attack on his wife. This renders his brain unable to store new memories. To cope with his condition, he maintains a system of notes, photographs, and tattoos to record information about himself and others, including his wife's killer. He is aided in his investigation by Teddy (Joe Pantoliano) and Natalie (Carrie-Anne Moss), neither of whom he can trust.

This feature is often used to show the distinction between plot and story. The film's events unfold in two separate, alternating narratives—one in color, and the other in black and white. The black and white sections are told in chronological order, showing Leonard conversing with an anonymous phone caller in a motel room. Leonard's investigation is depicted in five-minute color sequences that are in reverse chronological order. As each scene begins, Leonard has just lost his recent memories, leaving him unaware of where he is or what he was doing. The scene ends just after its events fade from his memory. By reversing the order, the spectator is unaware of the preceding events, just like Leonard. By the film's end, the two narratives converge in a single sequence that begins as black and white and fades into color.

haha but amazing movie aside, i think it's fascinating how this ailment distorts human ability to perceive temporal and spatial definitions, thereby disrupting lifestyles and rendering them almost impossible to live by. in one scene, the protagonist was recalling details of his wife, trying to come to terms with her death and he said:

"i don't even know how long she's been gone... it's like i've woken up in bed and she's not here... because she's gone to the bathroom or something. but somehow i just... i just know she's never gonna come back to bed. if i could reach over to her side of the bed, i'd know it was cold. but i can't. i know i can't have her back. but i don't want to wake up in the morning, thinking she's still here. i lie here, not knowing... how long i've been alone. so how... how can i heal? how am i supposed to heal, if i can't... feel time?"

which is interesting because it makes people think about that age old truism about 'time healing all wounds', you know.

haha i'm in an oddly philosophical mood today. maybe alcohol has weird mind-stimulation effects o.o

lit

2009-07-01T22:18:00.002+08:00

lit was a disaster D: D: D: plus my heart was in a thousand places... so not exactly in a good position to analyze modern poetry.

><

lunch with the classmates was good though. haha bus ride home with ruizi was even better (:

(i can get used to this... if you can, then so can i!)

-

shenhong: HAHA yess i spotted you! coz you have a distinct yalam profile xD haha yea aq sucks like that man.
tom: ?!! haha why apologize for taggging! and who are you lol.
jx: LOL yes i edited already .__. zz i'm not even thinking straight.
Sworn: hahaha retarded. ok look forward to seeing you in tights (:
niang: HAHA SHHH >.<

2009-06-29T20:28:00.004+08:00

m.a.d moderners on ayg was damn cool! even though i only caught the finale :( ah well for all that's worth... i rushed back damn fast from third lang just to catch a glimpse of a far shot of the pussies smoking through the finale choreo LOLL. haha and i spotted sh! he's so distinctive laa.

anw. there are a lot of things about today that makes me want to screamm.

1. I LOST MY GREEN HANDPHONE POUCH WHICH I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKED :( :(
2. I DIDN'T FINISH MY AQ WHEN I COULD VERY WELL HAVE DONE SO BECAUSE I ACTUALLY HAD STUFF TO WRITE JUST NOT ENOUGH TIME
3. I WENT TO BED AT TEN LAST NIGHT BUT COULDN'T SLEEP FOR TWO HOURS?! D:
4. I DIDN'T SEE... (ok that's not so much of a big deal but still)

point 3 resulted in my very neurotic and uptight self today :( naturally i had coffee in the morning but after the effects wore off my headache erupted inside my head... i think too much caffeine in my body already? haha even though caramel latte on sun was <33 so fair deal i guess.

webcomics

2009-06-28T20:29:00.003+08:00

this is beautiful... (: more @ graphicpoetry

nothing lasts forever: S

2009-06-28T19:34:00.003+08:00

because it feels like after today, whatever we had in the past, we'd invariably lost it.

nothing lasts forever but be honest, hey. accept that and stop crying your heart out, small kid.

today!

2009-06-27T21:10:00.002+08:00

i just did up a MS word recap on all the things i've accomplished for this june hols today! which is two! days! before! blocks! haha it gives me this tiny sliver of pride i guess, though i realized i went out around SEVEN times this hols, like those pure no-studying kind of outings @.@ first week of hols was productive and happyy but something fell apart towards second week and suddenly everything just... spiralled out of control...

so, in an attempt to get my life back i will make things work tmr (:
(tu me manques tant plus)

wall stickers

2009-06-25T22:44:00.007+08:00

OMG stick-on wallpapers <3

pps aborted

2009-06-25T20:29:00.002+08:00

project postscript is officially aborted. sometimes i wonder why do i even care so much.

眼泪

2009-06-25T20:18:00.001+08:00

为什么眼泪总是那么不争气。

beautiful quote abt loving someone

2009-06-24T21:51:00.002+08:00

"When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That's why you can't fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not your heart. And that's why, when you really connect with a person's inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant."
- Lisa Unger, Beautiful Lies

Sworn: haha hii (:
niang: HEYYY :D

boyfriend

2009-06-23T21:38:00.002+08:00

rumours are that i "changed a bf/am attached" now like hello?! .__. that's damn... retarded. lol not like i care what people say as long as it's not my friends who actually believe that and not bother to clarify with me.

and that's damn fking ironic please.

friends (:

2009-06-23T20:19:00.002+08:00

i don't know how much of it went to quelling my neuroticism and anxieties, or if i got the answers i need but talking about it gave me new perspective and strength, and i'm thankful for friends like that (: (:

wipe that tear away now from your eyes

-

And I was crying alone tonight
And I was wasting all of my life just thinking of you
So just come back we'll make it better
So just come back I'll make it
better than it ever was

messed upppp

2009-06-22T20:06:00.001+08:00

l'incertitude me rend folle. si c'est bien pour moi, pourquoi je suis si effrayée?

sakae outing

2009-06-21T18:39:00.004+08:00

sakae outing w ci, zong and hanjing on friday! :D :D sashimii omg i miss it already. did retarded stuff with hippo, laughed a lot, ate A LOT, and camwhored a whole lot woots. the group photos are all in ci's camera though so i'll just wait for her to upload them (:

anw singapore river at raffles place has got to be my favourite-st place in the whole of singapore (: (: haha i love the way the buildings are all lighted up in wonderful technicolor and how the river always look so beautiful at night, how the entire area is always full of vivacity, tingling with that great sense of familiarity and nostalgia. how life just slows down when you're walking down the street holding the hand of someone you love.

it felt good, revisiting those memories again. i miss the tree (where all good things start!), and that spot right outside timbre. miss that corner where sidd and i sat on that day everything fell apart. maybe a small part of me wants to rewind the clock one year back and go back to how everything used to be.

but fine i get it. it's not going to happen.

some amusing quotes of the day!

ci: -talking to hanjing on the phone- "Look out for Exit A when you get out ok! You know, A for Elephant!"

zong: "I haven't been to the zoo in like 10, 20 years!"
ci: "... but you're not even twenty years old?!"

zong: "What's the chinese name for rhinoceros?"
hangjing: "I know i know! 河马!"
zong: "... does hippo look like a rhinoceros to you?!?!"

what if

2009-06-20T22:10:00.005+08:00

confuddled =\

idontknowidontknowidontknowidontknowidunnoidunnoidunnoidunnoo
idunoogashdfiohja;sdjkf

(you like to sway my stand even after i've made up my mind by saying things nobody has ever said before to me)

"what if...?"

-

Chris Brown -I Wanna Be

[Intro:]
*Sigh*
Look.. I know we been friends for a while now
But, I just feel like I’m confessing to you
It’s gonna be hard but… Alright here it goes

[Verse 1:]
Imagine that the pillow that you cried on was my chest
And the tissue that you wiped your face with was my hand
Girl, imagine if you needed advice about some other guy,
I’m the one that comes to mind
Not tryin' hear you tell nobody that I’m just a friend
Just tryin' make sure I’m that body that you call your man
And anytime you need a shoulder, it's yours night or day
What I’m tryin' say is..

[Chorus:]
I wanna be, the last number you call late at night
Said I wanna be, the first one that you dial when you open your eyes
Wanna be the one you run to, wanna be the one that ain’t gonna hurt you
I... wanna be, yeah
Wanna be, yeah

Be the man makin your girls jealous (Girl, I wanna be)
Be the guy shutting down all the fellas (ooh)
Whatever you need, girl it’s all on me
Your soldier, your friend or your lover (ooh)
Girl, I wanna be

haha this song makes me wistful.

-

jiahong: omg i suddenly got craving for naichaa now! D: D: haha yea studying w the dancers always makes me less =\-ed
freddi: LOL. no leh she didn't. i thought i told you in the sms?
niang: HAHA you didn't know meh?! hahahahahaha we were being very retarded.
rach: (: (:

mugging session

2009-06-18T21:50:00.010+08:00

haha ok mugging session was quite fruitful today i spent around five hours staring at tiny chinese words until they started to swirl in front of me how cool is that :D but rach and i were no match for niang laa we kept walking around and getting distracted... and doing lame stuff like these while she was being a hardworking girl mugging inside hahahaha.

no reaction even while we were doing waves outside the window! x( so we amused ourselves with other things xD

HAHAHAHA.

ok don't judge me ._.

haha haven't been able to talk about love and relationships with someone in the way i could with rach for so long (: well at least i got a huge load off my chest... all those things that have been bothering me for so long. haha it was so timely, thanks <3

irony in a bowl

2009-06-17T19:50:00.005+08:00

my dinner for today: yoghurt fruit salad + a bag of chips (sour cream and onion :D) talk about irony please ._.

haha and niang, rach and i made a pact that tomorrow WE ARE GOING TO MUG THE WHOLE DAY UNTIL WE FAINT! (Y)(Y)

and omg i'm damn honoured that 24 people actually bothered to take my 'how well do you know van' quiz on facebook?!? hahahahahahahaha. even though the average score is like 16% lol, but then again my quiz is really damn hard.

i wonder why i'm so high now xD

-

jx: (: (: nice right hahaha
niang: HAHA HELLO NIANG :D i bet you were missing me when you typed that (:
sq: but you are what! -.-
dora: hahaha ok ok i will stop calling you dora (and making people call you dora as well) LOL BUT ZONG IS HIPPO GIRL! haha so it's the same..? aww i love you too (: though don't love me too much later jj gets jealous. yeaaaa good food omg friday! :D

so many people tagged! (: ( :

hero

2009-06-17T01:02:00.001+08:00

` ΜΛD ck hcbowl the countdown will never endemptiness here i am says:
be ur own hero goddamn it

-

so what makes you secure?

good question.

music player

2009-06-15T21:46:00.004+08:00

the music player's finally in order! :D haha press to watch it pop.

studying with the dancers is quite thereupatic hahaha. laughter is the best remedyyy (: i need to study more with them and quit thinking so much.

a) pack food
b) bring hiphop hoodie
c) bring earplugs!

-

rach: HELLO YOU :D :D

new blog skin

2009-06-14T19:41:00.003+08:00

can you tell i'm either very very bored/easily distracted, or i have too much time on my hands. haha in any case, don't we all just love change! anyway my blogskins are getting darker -.- lol that's supposed to be the theme for my lj, but i have a feeling this blog is going to turn into the dark side sooner or later.

today was supposed to be the 'alt-slack-day' whereby i don't do work but i do personal stuff that need to be done, so i'm still productive..? cleaned my room, read time, read the newspapers, practised my saxophone, started on my new file project, am going to watch gossip girl and prepare for tmr's revision. yaye van, what a way to spend your day ~~while others have been mugging their asses off.~~

project postscript is on hold! D: mental block ugh.

-

freddi: lol. it's only been a day! yaye (: nice right haha. YA AND OMG i just went alliance francaise today to borrow books! let's go there study one day haha the coffee is less than $4!! :O
Sworn: LOL no that's damn lame .__.

if ever

2009-06-14T12:31:00.001+08:00

if ever you truly exist, would you please step out now?

rotting at nlb

2009-06-12T16:02:00.000+08:00

it feels kinda weird that i can't read about your life and emotions anymore... and not like you'll ever tell me anyway.

yaaaaa i'm very mafan i don't know why i'm like that. -.-

countdown: one more hour till i leave nlb. lunwen progress has been almost zilch zomggg. hunger pangs can be very distracting x((

tomorrow's plan: study at starbucks (i should endeavour to find which cafe has the best coffee haha) + start reading 郭靖明 again + practise my saxophone!

my mugging style is very high maintenance zz.

in your arms (:

2009-06-10T20:00:00.001+08:00

this is where i belong (: (:

nauseating =\

2009-06-09T21:17:00.000+08:00

honestly, i'm not stuck in limbo and crying about the past anymore, but i just want to say that at this very moment i can't find anything inside me that vaguely resembles a gigantic receptacle swollen with love i gave and gave and gave away that used to be my heart. as if throughout the recovery process when i started building walls to block out people, i had, unknowingly or not, dug myself out hollow.

i really wonder if i'll ever have the capacity to love anybody else like how i loved you.

palpitations

2009-06-08T19:26:00.001+08:00

wah lau i'm having heart palpitations randomly again ><
must be the coffee rawrrr.

[edit: i finally found a name for the fear that has plauged me for 17 years of my life]

haha mugging session today has to be the most productive one so far. caramelatte + my instrumentals playlist + hoodie + friends = (Y)

-

W: haha yea the chips were dope. fine lor you imba winner.
LC: yea we kinda know that.
Sworn: LOL?

pbap

2009-06-08T18:58:00.000+08:00

DAAAAAAAAHHHH! :D

pbap made everybody go crazy playing raving rabbids! omg that game is seriously damn win xD hahahahahaha. did a lot of random stuff at the party (though no alcohol! D:) and spent most of the time talking with people since the rest of them were having some horror movie marathon, and you know i never watch horror movies... ggxxbbq discussion with sq sh ck outside the house was interesting, for lack of better word xD haha i was up the whole night and it's quite disorientating to see night coalescing into dawn; first you see the stars and the full moon, then the next thing you know the birds are chirping and the sky is bright @.@ ohhh and i received a lot of notes from the dancers too! :D hahaha they're all very sweetttt thanks everybody (:

(other photos will be uploaded to facebook!)

ruizi, terminator

2009-06-05T22:45:00.000+08:00

` ΜΛD van; trois petits mots says:
omg everyone's watching terminator ._.

the truth is rarely pure and never simple says:
of course. it's so dope
you all pangseh me, but it was so dope i could watch it all by myself
WE ARE DEAD WE ARE ALL DEAD
bangbangbang
puipuipui
grindgrind

` ΜΛD van; trois petits mots says:
HAHAHAHAHA WTFFFF?!?!!?!

project postscript

2009-06-04T22:33:00.000+08:00

ok so today was wayy better than the past few days. catharsis last night worked after all although i can't say the same about my productivity. csc remedial was bs .__.

anywayyy :D project postscript (PPS) was officially launched today! hahaha i'm so excited about it. i think when i'm doing things for people i love it soothes me down a whole lot and gets rid of my constant anxiety so i'm focussed and very much at peace (: haha yaye i'll be so happy if this works out.

and looking forward to next week! study date with char + sh/movie date with the cow :D though my curfew is vaguely inane Dx (understatement of the year) but i can't kill my mum can i lol.

ming tian hui geng hao (:

you and me

2009-06-03T23:27:00.000+08:00

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

this song has a soft, ethereal quality to it, and there's something that stirs up a lot of poignant emotions. been thinking a lot today, haha what's new... :( i'm falling back in again, i just know it. but this faith is weakening; i don't even know what it has been sustaining itself on.

[promises you know you can't/don't fulfill.]

bad-gunky

2009-06-02T18:12:00.001+08:00

all the bad-gunky can't come out x(

haiz what am i going to do with myself. today i spent most of the time lying on my bed, plugged into my music and just thinking about stuff, when i really should be doing my math/GP practice papers. all the things weighing on my chest is giving me heartburnn... why am i becoming increasingly familiar to this?!

i really just want to go out and have fun with people/mug the whole day and be productive. to hell with all this la.

wilson's birthday

2009-06-01T21:25:00.000+08:00

happy birthday lao ba (: (:

we had a mini picnic at espy rooftop, the dopest dinner ever:

and we started to have imba combi like bread with lettuce+cheese+chips :D it's seriously damn nice i kinda realize that anything goes with bread and cheese woots.

then we met this superr cute baby crawling about behind us so we started playing with him... SO CUTE RIGHT.

anywayy, today was funn (: haven't been out someone who's as crazy and random and guailan as me for such a long time. hope you had a great 19th (:

jiahong: yeaaa minnie ftw (: haha those months of hard work was definitely worth it (:
Hotdogger: really tag your name as that ah! ._. lol you should seriously submit that.
shen hong: ((:

pictures from dancenightt

2009-05-31T22:28:00.000+08:00

ok and as requested by kaze (:

during shake last year:

during Back Again this year:

haha dopeass poses ftw. you know what, if there's anything, i think shen hong can be the one person who characterizes my entire MAD journey, from being fellow groundzer0 members to bboy mates to being good friends in class haha. we've come a long way (:

post post dn post

2009-05-31T19:31:00.000+08:00

like shen hong, i've been waiting for the post dancenight empty emo feeling to sink in soon enough but it never did. which is a major thing for me, since i'm usually the one who will cry my heart out after my productions and float around school listlessly in the days that follow without anything to look forward to x(( but since ck's briefing before sat's show i haven't been able to properly grieve about it, in its glorious entirety. all the training sessions, briefings, late nights, meetings, goofing around with fellow dancers, cam-whoring, the performance ITSELF... it's all over now, but honestly either the emptiness hasn't wholly hit me, or the feeling is still percolating through time.

but maybe i should stop indulging in passive emotions and keep revisiting photos/videos in order to make me feel a sense of aching nostalgia. (shenhong you should too!) maybe it's just a different way of coping with what has ended... maybe being contented and thankful and happy about the experience i've had in MAD is enough (:

my MAD life!

joining groundzer0 after ezra pulled me and shen hong in. all those crazy practices laughing like some ____ when zhuhao cracked one of his lame jokes (tsunami!!)/mag kee siao-ed/bong went into bimbo mode/wilson laughed (LOL). those times practising till late at night and feeling proud of what we've accomplished because i really felt for my crew and for our performance.

hiphop auditions! which i had totally NO idea what i was doing and i still remember i told myself 'if i got past the second round of auditions it'll be a miracle.'

bboy auditions! i was o-ok. but i remember being completely FREAKED OUT by the cypher because of my performance anxiety. haha. i rmb shen hong was on fire then.

fuyo interschool '08. i remember being completely floored by my very first experience at a bboy jam. i was awkward and titillated and absolutely amazed.

dancenight '08 SHAKE! wow. j1 item was .__. (mother mother break down!) shah's item was... forgettable (like literally. i can't rmb a single step from that choreo lol sry) bboy was cool... but most of all i remember the few of us chilling/cam-whoring at the stairs outside RUA during the times when we weren't performing. haha i started the shootshagmarry thing and that was when we learnt that every j1 girl there would date sijin in the whole of mad HAHAHAHA. skrumping on stage was xDD

post-shake party. haha i only rmb going out to the ulu shopping mall with freddi around 11pm and emo-ed there for quite some time, then returning to siying's house only to realized wilson and ezra were telling ppl not to go out because there were 'dirty' stuff outside O.o

inspire '08. terroristt, zulu spins, siquan flaring up and scolding us for the first time as bboy head, us getting our act back together and pulling the choreo off in a short span of time. it may not be the most fantabulest of all choreos but i thought it was good effort on our part. our very first choreo as bboy div!

tapestryy! haha it felt great, having the most of our MAD batch performing and hanging out together again after dancenight (: and of course getting the tapestry shirt + newurbanmale coupons xD and sidd and jx came lol.

dance camppp. zomgggg passing gummy worms was >< i rmb i was between jiahan and shen hong ._. and the one i passed to huihua got photographed and regina went to post it on facebook (read: showed the whole world) .__. rolling over each other/trying to get as much soapsuds on our hair (i rmb anzai was damn hiong then LOL)/carrying all the boxes of food because i was in log comm (and you wonder where all the guys were...)/the xmas party! oh yaaa the exchange of xmas gifts where i got my beloved nike bottle that i use now (: (: fuyo interschool '09. didn't battle but still couldn't contain the pride i had for my batchmates. watching them rep hard, cheering for them, feeling disappointed when they didn't make it through but their resilience made me even more proud of them and what they've accomplished so far. conquered my fear under siquan's cajoling and managed to cypher :D

danceworks '09: from fact to fiction! felt quite initimidated at the start to be in a group of tall pretty slim dancers i weren't v close with, but it's reassuring how i got to know the rest of them to be fun and friendly people so it was good (: went through some rough patches but i think after that talk with ezra our group got back and really went full out from then on. the late night prac that night with Freethym was also memorable (:

ok so yea the rest is kinda self-explanatory since it was dancenight after that... i don't want to keep reliving the entire experience again; just want to tuck that memory deep inside my heart so that i don't forget it that easily ><

looking forward to PBAP :D it's a really really awesome feeling to see everyone hanging out together again.

ruizi's FML

2009-05-30T22:38:00.000+08:00

ruizi: Today, my mother asked me to go get mushroom soup at a salad buffet. It spilled it over my hand by mistake. It was boiling. Then my mom didn't want to drink it cause she said it was diliuted. FML

LOLL.

school hols

2009-05-30T22:00:00.000+08:00

rah rah rah blah blah ha ha ha... it's the school holidays! :D

yaye mug mode. it's quite fun actually. haha i had this nostalgic feeling while camping out at my fav spot at the canteen today. i rmb last year...

ok whatever.

june hols: mug prac saxophone chill with friends (: (:
(haha go eat good food with meee.)

catharsis

2009-05-27T20:46:00.001+08:00

finally,
some semblance of catharsis.

i should have known listening to Blind was all it takes.

-

my headache... is back... again

D:

birthday vid

2009-05-24T21:38:00.001+08:00

haha i just rewatched my birthday video... am happy again (: (: (: it was so sweet! haha i really should watch it everytime emo. big heartt to char and freddi! :D

"helloo vanessa. so why am i doing this video? -drinks allswell's drink-
... because i love you (: happy birthday."

-

CHARR: omg helloo! i thought you were another friend at first ._. haha i love youu toooo (: yea it was more than a blast! ineffable experience :D
regina: omg. so sweet. xD i love you too reginaaaa! 扫地 auntie ftw.

dancenight

2009-05-24T15:49:00.000+08:00

dancenight... was amazing (: no other way to put it simply, really. the first night was such an adrenaline rush, and the second night was a blasttt! :D we really really rocked the house and the immense satisfaction after you know you've put in your 200% for each item can never truly be replaced.

i told jon neo on the last night: 'we did it.' all those nights melting into mornings toiling over the script, planning transition acting/light cues/sound cues/props, discussing with ck stage stuff, getting frustrated at each other over msn (LOL) because it was hard to exercise self-control when you're exhausted, hungry and freaking out, getting 3 week-old headaches... not to mention choroegraphy sessions with andre/ ck+jiahong+liping, and hiphop/bboy practices all at once. @.@

but everything's been truly awesome (: (: thanks to everyone who made this show possible, and to those who supported on saturday: tifa, char, xiang, melo, nikki, jolene, sidd, ci + zong :D, hanjing and jj. haha i received A LOT of food on sat! i'm going to be so fat after this ._.

emo post in... a few days' time? right now i'm still feeling numb and groggy. just woke up from a 12 hour sleep wtf.

-

SworN: LOL oops >< sorry laa i couldn't remember all the names at 130am after the first show... haha edited!
W: lol?! haha i'm not imba saigang warrior. imba saigang warrior = jon neo
STEPHPANG: hello! pls type 75% of your message in caps ah. lol thank you! even though i only read this now. haha it's ok if you don't get me flowers laa (:
QI: the cake was damn niceee (: hahaha felt v happy eating it <3

dancenight

2009-05-23T00:13:00.000+08:00

one down, two more to goooo (:

haha i'm eating ruiqi's bakerzin chocolate cake now! <3 i feel so happyyy haha. still on a sugar rush after the performance! (NAI CHA) and i never expected soo many flowers and presents for today zomg thank you everyone (: (: 08a10 classmates, niang + qi, yonghui (zomg i haven't talked to you for so long!), SHAOWEE, shionnnn, sia vic, TCN juniors!, alvin, wee kian, alfred...

much love! i shall go sleep soon.

jts

2009-05-21T20:22:00.000+08:00

yaye jts photos are up!

the only class photo we took, i think. haha we look pretty happy :D

and i kinda like this photo (: MY BRUISE IS DAMN COOL MUAHAHA.

OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S TMR ALL THESE MONTHS OF WORKS COMING DOWN TO THESE TWO DAYS.

wish me luck? x)

W: LOL ._. pls be so negative ah haha. thaank you (:

2 more days

2009-05-21T00:20:00.000+08:00

2 more days...

!!! ><

full runs today. a lot of emotions, as usual. suddenly got hit by this unexplicable wave of terror; i don't know why. those moments when i was stoning before bboy item i was really shaking with fear inside. pubor to the max i must stop getting so emotional. ><

COURAGE! van must have faithh (:
on another note, i don't want this feeling to end :(

rawr i just need to talk to someone x(

-

jia hong: YES IT'S NOW 2 MORE DAYS!! jiayouuu too (:
drE: hahaha yeaa you too! (:
weisheng: lol retarded guy!! yea no more retarded expressions pls ._. and lol i'm not in exco. i'm just stage i/c w ck for dancenight '09 (: yeaa you jiayou tooo
SworN: THANKS :D

keone madrid dance

2009-05-17T19:55:00.000+08:00

!! omg this gets me on such a HIGH.

dance baby dance baby out of control (: it'll be wonderful if we can elicit this kind of response from the audience of dancenight you know.

anyway. thanks a lot for today <3 the insanity over the past few weeks left me feeling rather vulnerable, but being with you was a much-needed breather... it made me feel safe and strong again. hope it made you happy too (:

dancenight

2009-05-17T18:12:00.000+08:00

5; (holy shit)

yesterday... was emotional in so many ways. i can't believe i cried twice- because i was helpless/deeply touched/angry/frustrated/stressed... who knows? but amid all that, i'm grateful for feeling this way, because it shows that even though pressure is building up towards dancenight, we're fighting for an amazing show together. & it's gratifing to know that when the going gets real tough, there are other dancers supporting you, ready to cheer you on and look out for you.

how dancers move me: the beautiful WE CAN DO IT! shirts pao pao and regina bought for all the hiphoppers/ inspiring & genuine speech from bong that was saturated with her love and pride for us/ ck + hh's encouraging notes/ how jonneo never fails to dispense concern for the people around him even though he's under 10000N of stress ("can you go sleep, you look like you're going to kua soon" lol that was what he said to me)/ dancers listening intently during debrief and i can see it in their eyes that they share our vision with the same convinction and optimism too

... among a million other things <3

for me, the hiphoppers have grown to represent something very precious and overwhelming over the past few weeks. don't get me wrong, i love my bboys and bgirls. but the hiphoppers are special in that we have grown and banded together so much in the face of a lot of unhappy events. and through this, i got to know many of them on a more personal level as well. i don't know if this feeling will last, but right now it can't feel anymore genuine than this (:

jiayouuu.

-

ahyumi: haha yea it was alright! considering i didn't really study for it... lol.

happy birthday sam

2009-05-15T08:16:00.000+08:00

even though you're almost never likely to read this,

happy birthday sam (: (:
i <3 you a lot.

2009-05-14T23:22:00.000+08:00

8;
first of all, today, like any other day, was zzz to the max. like literally. i am damn f-tired.

@.@

but then, so is everyone else. hold on for the next 8 days guys! (: and esp to all the dancers taking science jiayou jiayouuu.

anyway. we went down to felix's recording studio today it was superimbabbq ZAI :D being involved in the entire recording/editing process was such an experience. hahaha and we kept laughing at all the NGs and retarded stuff people were saying xD

-

all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you say...!
really looking forward to it (:

-

W: xD haha okayyyy coww. i'm too tired to think about the unhappy stuff anyway.
yanglu: (: haha thank you!

emotional

2009-05-10T00:56:00.001+08:00

today was quite emotional, for some reason.

it's so easy to slip back in again. memories you relive that make your heart acheee x(( but it's really only wistful thinking.

they all fade away x(

2009-05-09T00:32:00.000+08:00

i really don't understand why things always complicates over time... how come the sense of novelty wears off so easily for some people?! and then slowly, you realize they no longer look at you the same way as they did before, no longer bother to do the little things that make you happy. it makes me very, very afraid of being disappointed.

fatigue

2009-05-08T22:26:00.000+08:00

14;

fatigue is so underated.
maybe i can get used to this x((

-

dancenight dancenightttttt!

choreo costume lighting props blocking crew recordings scoldings inspiring
talks smiles laughter hugs salt rua pe studio banner music speakers chairs.

:D

-

it suddenly struck me today that during that period irregardless of how blessed/disappointed/excited/depressed/confused i was, i still felt very much alive.

and i miss that.

-

W: ._. you're retarded seriously.
jiahong: HAHA xD
Sworn: thank youu (:

dancenight

2009-05-04T22:32:00.000+08:00

eighteen more days;

today's memory would be one of the many reasons i'll be looking back on this dancenight experience months from now on and be very much heartened by how much i've gained and grown from this (: stayed back to paint the dancenight banner for a while with a few of the dancers and idk the entire thing just felt very... real. being able to joke around with the people i don't normally talk to, getting physically involved in the behind-the-scenes projects, staining myself with paint all over; somehow the intangibles make the process so much more memorable. pao pao and karlton started calling me wen neh neh for some reason ._. & anthony, jiahong plus me kept talking to each other in the m'sian accent hahahaha. retarded people :D

it was a timely reminder as to why i'm working so hard for this dancenight, because this was our dancenight and i want it so badly to be something worthwhile <3

yongtaufoo

2009-05-04T08:25:00.000+08:00

i got a craving for candyyongtaufoo... AGAIN.

D:

(and LOL haojie just saw my screen and went 'what the shit?!' .__. i'm supposed to be doing work in the library but the inertia is too powerful...)

oh and i forgot to mention that zong lent me hippo for one day after my imba
:( filled post last week. haha so sweet right! :D

-

W: LOL BALLS LA xD do i look like i care. anyway anyway i realized six balls under your feet sounds quite cool. like six feet under the stars you know the song?! ... lol. haha and yea don't worry i'll come and bug you when i feel x( ish. you do know that you telling me to think positive is not convincing at all right.
niang: thaaanks! :D *hugs*

disheartened

2009-05-02T21:38:00.000+08:00

salt run today was... okay. i guess that's what you get when you sort of neutralize all the extreme emotions. saw a few disheartening things people did today but it's okay, maybe they're just tired or something. it's just that... the negative energy can be so contagious. anyhow i think i should stop stressing myself so much. it's not very good for working dynamics x(

still, there were many who really made my day :D louise was so sweet hahaha she gave me a hug and told me to stop being so stressed. then there'll be random people like kaze and shaowee who'll tell me to laxingbbq and take care. plus the other i/cs (jonneo, ck and liping) are really amazing people to work with (: (: went to talk with stupid fishing bull cow fish duck monk lao ba at the terraces after practice, gosh i needed that so much. laughing is the best remedy for serious haha.

anyway people please take good care of yourself for dancenight! we already got three injured dancers zomg. pray to lao ti gong i don't sprain my thumb again this year ><

i really really really need my wonderwall x(

-

ck: haha WADEVER ck.
W: lol you go away la stupid fishing bull cow fish duck monk. balls LOL.
Sworn: LOL?!

:( headache + nausea

2009-04-27T20:33:00.000+08:00

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

to the max, this time for different reasons. i feel like shit laaa how do you live life like this?!
(lol now they just look like a whole block of buttons ._.)

I AM VERY SAD.

haha therefore i am on calcium overload tonight! soy bean ice cream + yoghurt :D and i'm quite happy with fusion today (: yayee the one thing that's at least close to almost done.

24 days to dancenight AHHHH.

-

sh: haha it's not a new blog! it's just a new layout (:
freddi: serious ah :D i just took the best one i could find haha
niang: HAHAHAHA yeaa i dunno why i so high also. distractions are good x)
W: sialahhh. what ._.

2009-04-26T15:30:00.001+08:00

new layout! because i got quite sick of the old one. but i have a feeling i'll revert back to the old one soon zz.

these few days have been characterized by a general sense of ennui :( must be the weather and... some other stuff. my three week old headache finally exploded into a mild fever. awesome.

zz i really hate life like this. i want to go back to where it was a year before :((

sa gua

2009-04-26T13:34:00.001+08:00

傻瓜。

angrryyyy

2009-04-23T21:22:00.000+08:00

ANGRY WOMAN I AM TODAY NB >(

pubor man i haven't felt so angry in ages. and everything just came one after another?! zz rawrr.

-

Sworn: haha >< ya la that day was just a pretty bad day. anw i didn't really do much la (:

i don't know what to do

2009-04-20T21:31:00.000+08:00

i shouldn't be so bothered right... i really shouldn't be. after all, this is your decision. if you really want to do this i should support you all the way. or if you want to continue being mired in your situation and not get out of it, i'll just sink in with you since no matter how hard i try i can't get you out if you're not willing. at most when your head is barely above the waters you still have me for company.

(❤)/4
it's getting harder and harder to form a whole again...

eli mattson

2009-04-18T20:35:00.001+08:00

i get goosebumps listening to him <3

-

omg i see the hiphoppers doing an-an's item i want to cryyyy D: D: I WANT TO DO HER ITEM SO BADLY.

-

and does anyone have any idea where i can get my hands on Lolita! (the book not anything else...) i read approx 40 pages of yi cheng's copy on friday and i am absolutely hooked :D the language is amazingly beautiful.

alternatively you could buy it for me seven months early heh heh (:

miss miss miss

2009-04-18T12:23:00.000+08:00

now all i have of you are pictures :(

i really want to get these few weeks over and done with and spend time with you again :( :(

disheartened

2009-04-16T20:45:00.000+08:00

admittedly, the subsequent outbursts were quite hard to deal with because it felt like punches were repeatedly rained on me, bruising my ego and provoking an onslaught of negative emotions. i took it rather personally because this was my creation and i wanted so badly for this to be something i can take pride in...

then remembering that i cannot fall here, i cannot falter now, because there are still the rest under my charge and they are my responsibility too. and if i don't survive this then how can i survive SM with ck in time to come? i guess the only thing i can do is to not allow my emotions get the better of me and to fulfill my obligations in the best manner possible. i won't settle for anything less.

-

freddi: haha wth laa. never said you're not smart what, i just said you're bimb :P and you told vern i'm dumb ._.
zong: ... what is this?!

top three reasons

2009-04-15T21:08:00.001+08:00

top three reasons why today is a really happy dayy:

trois; i finished the last 2.4 km run i'll be having for the rest of my life
deux; i finally ate mudpie today!
un; ... (: (:

kinder surprise

2009-04-14T21:43:00.001+08:00

tifa gave me a kinder surprise egg today!! <3 it made me so happy hahahaha :D :D i can't figure out how to play the toy though ._.

-

missed! x(

htht w freddi

2009-04-13T21:43:00.000+08:00

a very much appreciated htht with freddi today (: (: thanks, it's very comforting to know there's another friend who can listen when i need someone to talk to.

-

the fall from heaven all the way to this now is very very cruel.
(caught me deep and stopped me still; you gave me love on overkill)

-

headache monster is back again! =\

hello (:

2009-04-12T22:49:00.000+08:00

found you.

well,
hello (:

stj (:

2009-04-12T16:35:00.000+08:00

1st photo: RAWR! *munchmunchmunch*

2nd photo: 09A10 + 08A10 after stj! look at sh HAHAHA

3rd photo: fav people in class <3

when you say nothing at all

2009-04-12T13:57:00.000+08:00

this is the most timeless song ever.

When You Say Nothing At All - Ronan Keating

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best (say it best)... When you say noting at all

there's so much in the unsaid that can express all the love you can give... everytime you wipe the tears off my cheek, put your hand squarely on my shoulder and pull me in, or look me straight in the eye and smile from deep within, you really say it best when you say nothing at all (:

in the same vein, there's so much in the unsaid that amplifies our stinging distance. i wish so much for you to say something and at least do something to show that you do (still?) care. but the more you keep silent, the more disheartened i get with your nonchalance. i'm quite sick of this mess but this sinking into periodic moments of emo is starting to become a habit. i can't even find a proper trigger reason now. that desperate plea for you to come back was too spontaneous - and perhaps, too cowardly? - but you still walked away from me again in the end, so what's the difference.

(what's wrong with my heart?)

-

jiahong: hahaha ya bo pian lor have to settle for chocolate for now zz.
freddi: omgg that was so outdated! haha nvm la.

headache

2009-04-10T21:01:00.001+08:00

thank goodness for public holidays. my headache yesterday was out-of-this-world, not even panadol strong + coffee could do anything to alleviate it x( i think if i still had to wake up at 5.30 today i would seriously start eating people.

speaking of food, i had an insatiable craving for cake today: the kind where you can sink your teeth into the rich chocolaty goodness and taste the light sponge layers in between... ): while doing dance today i couldn't get it out of my mind. and now that i finally got a cake i bought the wrong one so i'm quite ._. now.

-

dance dance dance @.@
(bee-ii-emm-bee-oo!)

-

W: stop calling me weird names. if i'm a dumb cow then what are you ._.
Sworn: LOL omen for what .__.
shenhong: you siao ah.
W: ?!?! a bit love bite at the elbow ah. and don't be an idiot pls lol.

vulnerable/tenacious

2009-04-08T21:10:00.000+08:00

vulnerable, tenacious..?

.
.
.

more erratic posts to come... the smucking fire in my head never seem to stop raging.

-

by the way i have a heart-shaped bruise on my left forearm today! :D

dancenight rant

2009-04-04T20:43:00.000+08:00

@#$!%?!!*

adrenaline anxiety go go go.